Essentials.

So heres my story, one of a collection which God is growing.

Ok, for much of this story to make sense, i think i need to dig up some of the past.
SO when i was in year 7 i was bullied. Well, there was a group of three of us, and the other two decided they wanted me out ( i still don't really know why) but for some reason they did and i kinda think thats when my insecurity started growing. I was kinda left all alone because most other people had formed their friendship groups already and nobody wanted some geeky little chinese girl in their group. Eventually though, probably about half way through year 7, i found another group of friends who...well, seemed pretty awesome. There was one girl though, who...was pretty much the leader. And, yet again for reasons which i know nothing about i was the one she decided to shoot down. It got to the stage where id be going into school wondering whether id be in the group today, or sitting on the outside...whether she'd find a fault to pick at, whether she'd find something in me she didnt like again. So, i did what seemed rational and i tried my hardest to please her (man, this explains so much about me)...i tried to stay on her good side, i tried so hard to just...be accepted. It was so hard, and draining...trying to stay in the group and yet in reality having absolutely no power to affect that decision. I felt powerless, worthless, other feelings which thinking back on it now seem so drama-queen-esque.
Something which really upset me though, which kind of made me really angry was that no-one else in the group said anything. Like when she deicded to exert her power and make me an outsider for no reason, everyone else just let it happen. I guess they must have been scared, they didnt wana be in my place...its always better to just stay quiet. But actually, for me it made it so much worse...it made me really believe that i must have been doing something wrong. I couldn't really see that i was DOING anything specifically wrong, so i figured...hey it must just be me. I must REALLY suck. Why else would she say those things? why else would no one stand up for me? Obviously im just not worth anything to them either, maybe shes right.
It sounds so lame now...and i think ive been so frustrated at it all...like...why would i think those stupid thoughts? why did i let her get to me THAT much?
So anyway, this carried on till year 9...and kind of went on a little bit in year 10. But i moved away from their group in year 9 and found elena...then naomi...then the joys of bushra, chrissy, faiza, parul, melonie...thats a whole other story.
I think the insecurity built up a lot over those three years, actually its kinda scary that even though three years is actually quite a little amount of time, it affected me so much. Its so scary that one person could have made me feel that bad about myself.
I thought id dealt with this last year at encounter, but i guess it ran a lot deeper than i really knew. I didnt really realise that the hurt of it, and the effects of it were so damaging. I think i dealt with the memories and the forgiveness, but the effects were still there.
So that was one part of my sadness.

This next part is kind of hard to write about and share, even now im sitting here and feeling like i want to cry. But its different now...cos im facing it head on and not just pretending it doesnt exist.
So...i am absolutely terrified. Its actually hard to express how scared and sad i was, whats even wierder is that in some senses i didnt realise that i was scared and sad even though ive been trying to supress it.
Ive grown up around a lot of illness, around the fear of someone close to me dying, but then it never really coming to be. The agony of waiting to see how long someone you really love or care about will live. Man...its so hard.
My dad has cancer.
It still feels really wierd to type that and even think about it. Like usually we just say, oh yeah hes ill, or oh yeah he has lumps...but...its something which is trying to kill him. He's lived so long, God's been so gracious, and it doesnt look like He's gonna give up on him anytime soon, but at the same time its like...well...when?
When i was younger, my greatest dream, my biggest hope was that one day my dad would be able to see me get married, to see me do something with my life, to see his grandkids. It sounds kinda lame now, kinda film-ish...but its something that i wanted so badly. I used to just lie in bed and play through "what ifs" in my head. What if it spreads, what if he dies, what if theres nothing they can do?
So, hes had all the treatment he can have. They can't give him any more chemo because that'll just kill him anyway, no more radiotherapy, all they can do is cut stuff out. But, they're not too bothered with him now...hes living on 'borrowed time', hes been blessed, hes outlived anyones expectations so...i guess thats all they can do then!
I dno...its so hard to put down years of whatever its been in like a blog.
And now my mums ill. Well, somethings wrong and it seems like noone cares. The doctors havent even checked her out properly, she doesnt have an appointment till october and the problem is still happening. SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING! Its my mum! Why does it feel like they just don't want to bother? Man, all this had been pent up inside me...i can't believe i didnt even realise it was there. Like i thought the feelings but then i didnt acknowledge them.
Its like all these years ive been worrying about my dad and then...oh darn...my mum too? Is anyone NOT gonna be ill?!?! What is going on? Why is it all so fragile? Why am i sitting in a world which is just dying? Can't i die first? the selfishness.
Im so blessed with my family. We're so close, so united and yet i sometimes sat and wished that we wernt close but just healthy. Its not hard to see why we're so close - we've been through tons together with only each other to really understand what was happening. We've been blessed through illness, but such a big part of me just wanted the illness to be taken away even if it meant we all didnt get on.
I have no idea where all this came from. Inside i guess, bottled up like so many other things, just pushed down because i didnt want people to think i was attention seeking. I just wanted to 'deal with it', to be able to deal with it, to be able to be 'strong'. man.
So yeah, that was another part of the pain.
There was a third part, but its too wierd to share with the world.

So thats the history behind it all....rewind to present day.
When i was in malaysia, i spent very little time with God. I could feel the walls growing, i could feel everything kind of slipping but at the same time i was too tired, or too busy to stop.
So when i got to essentials, i was really unprepared for it. I hadn't really talked to God properly in a long time and i sure hadn't heard much. It was so wierd, in my brain i desperately wanted God, to hear Him, to know His presence, to be secure...but then in my heart there was no desire. Well, there was desire but no feeling. When i prayed it felt like empty words and yeah, nick said something about numbness, and i guess thats kind of apt. Its like there was no feeling.
So the first4 days were spent just kind of alone. Well, it felt like i spent quite a bit of time in solitude, seeking God but not finding Him. It was so wierd, cos i could hear Him, but then there was this HUGE something there which meant i couldnt see much. Cat was praying for me one night and she said something like "God i can feel something blocking sam from You...please take it away" (or words to that effect). She was so spot on though...i hadnt even shared about the blockedness feeling with her...

So we got to thursday night ( someone on someday had shared about wrestling with an angel and how he was like "i won't let go till You bless me.") and i was sitting on the floor going..."uh...hi God. I really wanna hear You again, i really want to be open to You again, i really want to have that life in You again...there was lots of that...but at the same time there was that numbness aswell." so i sat there and was like. "God im not gonna leave here till You bless me."
And i just heard the clearest thing ever..."Ok...wait."
So at first i was waiting all patient like...twiddling my thumbs...thinking mmm...i wonder what Gods gonna do...wonder what im waiting for...
Then i started getting more fidgetty...like..."God, how long am i waiting for? my butts starting to hurt...can't i move?" Then i heard it again..."no, just wait."
So i was like...mmm...God WHAT am i waiting for? like...WHAT are you doing?
"JUST WAIT."
"why?!?! WHAT AM I WAITING FOR? God what are You doing? i can't see You...HELLO? i know You can hear me...what are You doing?"
"JUST WAIT."
"Fine! ill just sit here...all night if i have to. I'll just wait. Just sit...and wait."
"fine, JUST WAIT."
Then i started getting images of me sitting there all night when everyone else had gone to sleep, with the lights being turned out on me, just waiting...until like 6am until God finally strikes me down and pops my hip out of its socket or something.
"im still waiting"
"WAIT."
People came to pray for me, i prayed with them too, it was awesome chatting about Gods awesomeness...but at the same time there was a little frustration like..."still waiting..."
So then i got a little more frustrated...(i dno where this frustration was coming from...its wierd, normally doesnt happen...or takes a lot longer to build up )...and i started just talking out loud (didnt really realise people could ACTUALLY hear me though.) just continuing to go..."WHAT am i waiting for? WHAT are you doing?? Why am i waiting?"
"WAIT."
Then Nick came. Honestly, i just wanted him to go somewhere else. I was just kind of wanting to be left alone, just wanting to sit there and wait by myself, i was just thinking - God why did You bring him here? why hes here? hes just gonna distract me from waiting. Hes just gonna bring in some distraction and im just gonna be waiting longer.
So he started praying...and i was paying no attention whatsoever to what he was saying, well maybe i was...but i have no recollection of it, so i wasn't paying that much attention.
But the frustration subsided, and i just kinda felt like there was nothing to say. There were no more questions of why and what and when...just...i dno, blankness.
From the blankness though, the fear started rising, the pain, and i guess i started crying. I didnt really know why, i didnt really understand why i was crying or even what had started it...but, man was i crying. Ive never really felt that sad before, well...not in my memory. So i was crying so hard, and God bought up my dad, how scared i am of him being ill, my mum, how scared i was of them both being ill, my sister how scared i was for her and then how scared i completly was, selfishly, for myself. Then He bought up the bullying, the rejection i guess and all the inferiority and self-hatred that instilled in my life...He showed me how deep it was rooted in my life, in my actions, my heart and even my relationships with people today. And the whole time i was just crying. In some ways it felt like He was crying with me and yet He was there being totally solid and peaceful through it too. Its like, Him crying with me showed me that itsnot really what He wanted, He hated the pain and the everything as much as i did.
Then i started laughing. This still confuses me, because i have absolutely NO idea what i was laughing about. Although i reckon God was laughing through me rather than me actually laughing. That He just made me laugh cos He was laughing and He cried with me, so it was only right i laugh with Him too. Also, He'd just done something totally hilarious which no-one knew about yet and...HES FUNNY! I laughed so hard it felt like my face was distorted.

Anywho, the other part of the story is on nicks website. Read it, see God's humour, see His ingenious planning and bringing together of cleverness. Ain't no novel which can beat His complex weaving of stories. No matter how good you think the tolkien world is.

Now, i know Gods dealt hugely with these things. I can't say ill never feel that insecurity again, im sure satans got some tricks up his sleeve to try and drag me down again. But i guess i know that its gone, IT AINT HERE NO MORE! :) No more fear, its all been surrendered. Im sure it'll rear its head again, but we'll just face that head on when it comes.

So long. So tired now. Gdnight.