This Limbo feeling.

So everyone keeps talking about feeling like they're in limbo. (by everyone, i do of course mean chrissy + ross...as they represent the entire human population). Anyway. Just to let you guys know - i get it! I totally know where limbo is, and im right there with you.
Although, limbo gets really old, REALLY quickly.
Im kinda tired of it already! Its boring already...can't we move on now!?!?
Kinda feeling like i have a lack of purpose. Like, still trying to find a place at uni, find societies to fit into...didn't even feel like i fit into CU (cos there was so many peoples there...talked mostly to second n third years...found it easier.). I think a lot of it has to do with being at home. Since...im so far away from everything...so detached...its like, i find out about things later...not at the centre.
And with CU anyway, their small groups are pretty much hall groups. Of which, i don't have one! So...my only option is to boycott a hall group, or join a selly-oak-house-group with second, third, forth n fifth years. Which...i guess is fine by me. Just a little different.
Its like when they go..."ok...now we're gonna split into hall groups...go!!" *sam pauses...wanders around...*
Only thing im kinda up-to-date with is FEX...but thats only cos i know the older members.
I dno. Theres plus-es and theres minus-es about living at home. I think im still frustrated by it though, which is annoying. Because, in my mind i don't want to be annoyed, and i get that theres no real reason to be...but...ARGH! In a way, it kind of feels like God's tied me down. Like...put me in brum...put me at home...but...my will isn't in line with His at the moment...and at times its like...i don't wanna be here.
I. Am. Frustrated.
I really want to get it. To maybe see a glimmer of why im here. To not feel tied down - but remember that ive been set free!! That...this is the best, and anything else would've been worse. I know it in theory...in my mind...but i don't feel it! Can't rely on my feelings...but...i can't just ignore the frustration. Because then it just leads to anger.
And...i HAVEN'T BEEN TIED DOWN!! So why does it feel like it?
Theres stuff i want to say, but i guess i shouldn't.
And no mum, this doesn't mean i hate you. Or that im really upset and want to move into another house.
Its just another struggle. A different one. It'll work out.

Its strange. This uni stuff. Feeling REALLY detached from everything, from everyone...and worst of all from God.
Its like drowning in paperwork, uni-ness...also...something im finding hard, is at uni, when talking to all these newbies...its so, SO hard to focus on God, look to Him and see what HE wants...cos it seems that the main focus is keeping the conversation going. Which sucks.
Mmm...yeah! Felt a sense of loss the other day...like..i miss CnR. I miss that time...when we just got together at Bert's house...like...we'd go...not really knowing what we were doing that night...but knowing it'd be God-focused, that it was totally a place you could go and meet God. A place where you could go and REALLY focus...no pressure to do anything.
I think i miss that time of fellowship aswell. Kinda lacking that at the moment, what with matches on a thursday (so no SAFE)...and haven't really had a collective bible study in over 3 months? Not including taste the rainbow...but thats kinda different. Yeah, i miss it. Bert, CnR was awesome. You don't know what you had till its gone :P

On the plus side. Realising God really helped me to deal with stuff which i was finding hard. So...yeah...that era is over. Which is cool. But, i guess it could come back - so gotta be on guard.
But yeah, times are good. :)

Went to Khangs...had fun in garden...chatting to khang's bro n his mum. Nicer being away from the crowd...out with the fire...mwahaha...turning into a pyromaniac. Chatting to newbies, but with no pressure...also...talking to older people is just...easier. Why is it hardest talking to people in your own age group? But, times of joy...the ease of people you know rather than randoms. Just listening to matt talk...the boy can talk! but i like it. Nice to just sit and listen.

Guess its just the transition...harder to focus when days are so random...no structure. Also...things which seem important at the moment are:
- finding people/friends/people-to-fellowship-with/finding people who are in the same boat as me.
- trying to find stuff to do
- trying to find a niche
- trying to find anything (its so wierd, i have this big sense of loss...but i don't quite know what for...(i think maybe its God...but then...i keep trying to find Him...but its half-hearted, or it must be...i can't seem to find Him.)
- lack of money
- lack of drive/thirst/desire
- eating too much/too little food. so sporadic.
- lack of most sam-things. i feel really alien! like...im not sam...

I was talking to one of the guys at CU (he did an internship at Agape last year! Met him at NSC in february...he's cool...like...3rd year?) He lives at home too. Was nice to chat about struggles to do with living at home, guess its cool cos he totally got where i was coming from...instead of y'know...being confused at the feelings.

Might start volunteering with disadvantaged kids in bham. Dangerous. Sounds fun though, its what my dream includes. Still dno whether God wants it too. WHY WON'T HE JUST SAY SOMETHING!?!?

Might go do D of E Gold. Just...want something challenging. Plus, maybe i could get the record of getting E-coli twice in a row. Would help with that fitness which i got told off for.

Or i could just go join the jazz club and listen to all the talented people there.

Or the MC club :P

So many choices.
Like...to sleep or not to sleep...that is the question...oh sleep! Been having REALLY wierd dreams...like last night...they were really, REALLY violent. It was well wierd. totally random...its not like i'd been watching violent TV or anything...but all my dreams at the moment seem to be me and my sister fighting the world. 'Cept of course, shes smaller, and more fragile...so its like i have to keep protecting her. Ah...the interpretations.

Today - had millies induction (FINALLY!) starting work next week. Met some guy from KES, he knows my friends too...its a small world. And the girl said everyone knows who i am already. riiiiiiiight. Then rushed off to worship practise. Then khangs.

Its raining! I like hearing really bad rain (unless its thunder and lightning...cos thats just scary...) when you're inside. makes you feel safe.

What tommorrow holds - Church! Aston freshers fair (freebies!), Fex welcome event (cafe soya!), out with them, badminton match. Then, hopefully...bed. yay! bed! I like sleeping.