Just sitting here...monday night...not sure what to do...my minds just wandering. so i thought i'd blog it as it comes out.

So summat the girls have been talking about recently - this idea of being patient. But then, its not so much patience (as i think Tuuli said) as the changing of perspectives - the changing of your desires, passions...the shifting of your focuses. I guess this takes the emphasis off the waiting, because your desires are in line with God's at that specific time. So although you may still desire certain things, instead of those things being your focal point, instead it'll be the there and now.
Readin the bible, always seems they're focused on the present and on the future. In preparing for whats to come, and being truly present with the people and with God at that specific time.
Whats the point in being somewhere with people and wishing you were somewhere else? To be fair, its probably us that misses out when we do that though.
But its not that they forgot the past, disregarded it...ignored it. The past holds things like hindsight, seeing how God's worked, learning. Its just that, i guess holding on to the past is foolish. Or, dwelling too long on the past is...foolish.

Before i started uni, had times where i just walked out, and around...n sat somewhere with my bible and a notebook. Actually, those times i hardly opened my bible, just tried to listen, let the thoughts kinda fall out of my brain and onto the pages of the book. And then entangled in the outspilling of my brain, God added in words, thoughts, sentences. He showed me some stuff, revealed some...except this one time. Where i had a completly RANDOM spiel where i compared myself to a car.
At the time it seemed really irrelevant and kinda pointless (and wierd...me? a car? :P surely im more like a duck). At that time, i was totally unclear what id got out of that time...kinda unclear what God was trying to say. But i just left it.
i was reading through that notebook a few days ago. and i read that part.
Heres what i wrote -

"CLUTCH - have to step on, engage to start car, to change gears, clutch control - to stay in one place aswell.
When changing gears - always a small pause before you can accelerate/decelerate.
This is where i am -- changing gears, pausing.

Father - what to do?

Carry on."

AHHH!! This is it! The limbo feeling! (this is why it was irrelevant at the time - i wasn't pausing. I didn't feel like this...i just wrote it down.) So what to do? Carry on.
Thanks God.

Also in this notebook (the notebook of my brain), is the word expectant.
Was sitting on Tuuli's bed today. With Tuuli, and God. Actually...it was an awesome time.
And God reminded us (both i think) of the great expectations we can have now.
Its like, now i know God, a lot of things seem really futile...a lot of things are REALLY unfulfilling. But, its not that im more sad, or more lonely...i think im just more aware of my real feelings.
In a way, this futile-ness is because ive known, and kinda therefore expect more...when you're not with God, it SUCKS. And the sucky feeling just highlights more my need for Him, how much further there is to go in my walk with Him, how much more there is than this world.
With God though, the great expectations are there because we know the great things that are gonna come. Our self worth is steeped in God and so we know that we don't have to just settle for things, for relationships, for ok...but we can strive for that more, we can find the right and the best way which God's planned...and so not have to just say "i'll take what i can get...who knows if i can do any better?".
Wow. To have great expectations.

At uni, the issue of relationships comes up a lot. People seem to either be in a relationship, looking for one...or in several at once. Its bizzare actually. I guess because the focus is so much different.
Even with family and family friends...now ive hit a certain age...i guess they feel its more relevant to discuss my relationships, since its something which is a possible in (possibly) the near future. So i get this a lot -
"So sam...*nudges*...dya have a boyfriend now?....No??...Why not?!...I know this guy...He's nice....i should set you guys up. you'll like him."
And at uni i get this a lot -
*girl* : "so do you have a boyfriend? no...?...oh...*wierd look* ...(and sometimes...) don't you want one?"
*boy* : "you single? cool. lets talk."
Honestly, at this moment in time...i can barely account for myself, or look after myself. Right now, im working on getting closer to God, because in being near Him, i trust that if that is a blessing (or curse:P) which He wants me to go through...He's gonna lead me there in a better way than i can lead myself. He can find someone a lot better than i can.
At the moment, i guess im fairly sure that God just wants me to grow with Him...and through this time, through this changing and refining, im more likely to be a better girlfriend/wife than i could be if i went it alone.
How do you explain that to people? why is it that i can be more concise here than in everyday conversation?
Its not that i wouldn't like to be a wife one day. Actually, the idea is kinda appealing. As hard as it would be, id really like to experience that. And to be someone useful for one person, to serve God and in that to serve him...to be looked after and to look after...to have someone who will look out for me, but not because they're family but i guess because they choose to. Im weak, it'd be nice to have someone to share in my weakness and be an extension of God's strength. I guess its the intimacy, the knowledge and the act of being cared for and its a gift! Its intended as a blessing.
Like...God gave adam eve...kinda as a gift. Maybe, one day, i could be a gift too. That'd be pretty awesome.
I think i probably just have romantic notions of what the bible says, and what ive seen it to be like in couples around church. But hey, God's plan and way is the best. I'd happily be a nun aswell (chrissy! remember our nunnery? around that table in the UCR? :P). Just gotta follow.

There's this girl in my psychology class. I really like her, i guess cos she seems really decent, really calm. Ive talked to her a few times, and its just so different from most other conversation - although it started off the same - name, place of living, where she was before...it just got deeper faster. We talked about her, about her family - about actual stuff which was real. It was so cool. But, its strange, although she's so quiet, so calm...and always smiling...when she talked about certain things, its like you could hear sadness in her voice. It was strange...I think i had this kinda idea that she was calm, and happy...but i guess im being reminded that everyone's sad about something.
I like her. I'd like to talk to her more.

Went to navigators again tonight. I quite like it...although, its a bit random :P. Its a christian group, but i think more social. Which is nice actually, a chance to chat, share, find some decent conversation. Talking about freedom...its more thought provoking than question-answering though.

Freedom, its kinda like its a personal thing. Everyone has a different idea about what freedom is, and different senses of it. A place of freedom for someone could be crushingly binding for someone else. It depends on your perception of whether you're free.
It also depends on whether you're actually free.
But theres people who are actually free, but are then bound again by the world, by their own thoughts, or by their perception of being bound.
In my mind, freedom is following God. Which, i guess is confusing...because in becoming free, im a slave to God. But, slave in the sense of the old-use of the word...im a slave by choice - because i am indebted and i want to/desire to follow and serve.
The freedom to serve God and be of use. The choice to follow and then all the choices following that - the choice to not be bound by the world (although so often i am), the choice to listen, the choice to read, to pray, to be obedient (although so often im not), the choice to say sorry - to repent and change.
The freedom in God, of knowing real love and being able to love in return. Or, knowing real REALNESS and thus seeing and determining what fakeness is and staying away.
I think, Freedom is serving.
My mac gives me some freedom :P
pritt stick! the freedom of gluing random pieces of paper together.

Naila's bday 2moro. Woot! Yay. Milans here i come. Gonna be photographer. :)

At church, going through the series "Songs in the Key of Life"...sermons based on certain psalms...
Its turned into more of a period of my bible study. So much of this month when ive read my bible ive ended up in psalms, and when im with Tuuli bible studying, we always seem to go for a psalm (or like today...random psalm hopping).
Its been really cool actually...stirring. I am in awe of the passion which God can stir up in people. And i totally am in awe of my old-school-brothers. How much did they desire God?!?! Reading some of the psalms, and it feels like the psalmist is BURSTING with this desire and hunger for more. This complete and utter focus and chasing and seemingly-unquenchable, heart-achingly, gripping need for God. Its so, so humbling. and inspiring.
How much do i wish i desired God this much. I wish i thought about Him as much as they did. I wish i realised my need for Him as much as they did.
I hope that one day i can be like them.

Lloyds sent me my free iPod shuffle.

I found my gloves again today...i feel the cold coming. ITS COMING! I like winter :)

Need to study short term memory, amnesia, split-brain studies and handedness. We have this exam in december, where they give us 6 words (out of a longer list of 20 possibles) and we have to write about them.
A sentence linking the words we've been given so far that is complete and utter nonsense -
I think i have a severe problem with my short term memory, amnesia might be the cause, but its ok - because if i become a participant in a split brain study, my right hand won't know what my left hand is doing and my handedness will be all skewed, thus disenabling my need for any memory anyway.
Well actually. thats wrong. half of that sentence is crud.
darn. i think i might actually have to do some extensive research on these areas.

Tuuli! you need to think of someone to treasure! Think! Think!

NSC is approaching. i think im going. we'll see.
If i go, then i can find out about the missions they're doing.
But i dno if God wants me to yet...if this year is anything to go by...He'll want me to stay at home instead :P
Ah well, He knows my desires - if He can let me go, i have no doubt He will.

Theres lots of work i need to start doing. Can't get into the swing of things at the moment, the swing of working! *swing swing* Must...work...harder...

Had my second and third shifts at millies last weekend. It was so much fun actually - my manager is MAD. He bought us mango juice cos i said id never tried it from tesco's...! :) So funny...never stops talking...its a good thing...the people there are lots nicer than my last job :) Some of the customers say some randomly wierd things, but its ok...mwahaha...thats what security is for! :) Well...if they get any wierder. Everyone's fairly protective of each other at millies...another family to belong to :P
Forth and Fifth shifts coming up this weekend - friday+saturday 3-9.30
Which is kinda crud, cos i wanted to see Ed! :( ahwell, maybe they'll be times when we'll be able to catch up over the weekend.
Cat's bday on saturday... :)

Fear. Again. The image ive always had of God is that He is a God of mercy, love, kindness and grace. And He is...just i forget so often that He's also a God of Holiness, a God of Justice, a God of perfection. Reverent fear...something which i know im severly lacking. Why would i fear a God who ive only ever seen as completly loving and protecting?
But its not a fear fear. A Holy fear...i guess it comes with wisdom. To fear God because He could actually just wipe me away in a second...because im that small and He is THAT big. I know He could in my mind...but in my heart, my feelings...there is a severe lack of that reverent fear. More of a....but He wouldn't...would He? Surely...He's too loving...too gracious...
Actually...He will do whatever it is which is best. Whether that means wiping me off the face of the earth or not.

Eyes heavy now. Kinda strange, its fairly early compared to what ive been used to recently.
Must work 2moro!