Enduring.

This past weekend has been totally bizzare. A weekend of opposites.
Friday night was Jazz, beauty, the saxophonist was insane, it was like he wasn't breathing...just constant flow of music coming out of his jazzy 'phone. Awesome, company wasn't bad either. :P
Then went to pad thai with mel n her aston buddies, a late bday celebration...which was...very chinese. Lots of cantonese spoken, lots of confusion at what was being said...and apparently lots of games which the triads play. Mel was so cute..."No! Don't teach her that game! its bad! shes innocent!" haha. But yeah, atmopsheres like that bring out the old sam. Wasn't holy, or helpful in any way, and it reminded me why actually, im more of a starbucks girl. So after that, we got a lift to some of the 2nd years flats...canalside...their flat was awesome...really nice...but messy, which i guess is expected if you get that many guys sharing one living space. :P Chatted some, played games, met new people. Then didnt really wanna go home...so got a lift to cats (after a HUGE detour to take mello home), went to cat's for about an hour to chat. Which was awesome. Meaningful conversation and the beauty of cat's face. It reminded me of how blessed i am to have such family.
But yes, that night was an eye-opener to the state of my soul, and the ease which i just slip back into the worlds way.
Saturday, a day with family...went to be a builder at my nan's cos her wall fell down in the wind...wheeled a wheelbarrow for a LONG way full of bricks! its hard! but fun. i have bigger muscles now. HUH!
Went to dim sum, then hung out, then went out for dinner with the maduns...and it was SO so much fun.
Sunday, church, iD, football, daren&chris's.
The biggest opposites though has been spiritually, its been a wee bit of a rollercoaster. Usually, channel for iD and the guys is pretty open and flowing, God is really gracious in that way, even if ive been dry, usually the ideas for iD and ways to bless them still keep coming. This week though, its been a complete blockage. It was really frustrating actually, and really...sad. I was kind of at a loss at what to say, how to lead, what to do. It just really highlighted how far from God i really had drifted. Saturday night was a really hard night after i got home. Kind of like a spiritual battle, but it feels like its been that way for about 3 months now...just way more intense on saturday. Chatted to chrissy n prayed, nice to chat again, miss you bell, was really encouraged by Vinnie...
1 Cor10:13 - And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand under it", who following this verse told me to stand up. Cheers V. :)
But, there was still this, complete discomfort with the state of my soul, like, when you look inward and cringe, so much dirt, complete dispair. But eventually it got too late for me to be awake, and chrissy fell asleep on me :P, so i went to sleep. Then...while i was sleeping, actually i have no idea whether i was awake or asleep, but i had this really surreal series of flashbacks...laughter from moments when i wasn't glorifying God, voices of people who had influenced me, my own voice, images, all these snippets of sin which i hadn't even thought about when i was cringing at the state of my soul, but after each part it was sort of taken away, lifted, and eventually when it stopped i didn't dream or anything after that, just slept really deeply till i got woken up for church. So surreal, from hours and hours of struggle and complete dispair, to this comfort and lifting. The 2nd time God's used my dreams to speak to me. Totally cool.
The struggle then kind of carried into church, this wrestle between God and complacency and disbelief. I was still at a loss for iD, still, what i'd prepared was the truth, and there were no other ideas, so it had to be enough. But, there was such a desperation for God to come and help and be in it. Saturday night in all its struggle had served that purpose too - id never felt such a depair/utter desperation for God - its like a beginning of understanding how much i really need Him.
iD - i don't realy remember much of it, but i trust that He can use the truth of my story, its what Hes done, so theres power in it. I have to believe that He answers prayers, and that in my weakness, He will be strong and really impact the guys in iD. It doesn't matter what happened, doesn't matter what was said, all that matters is that He moves, i remember His power - He is STRONG, He can do anything, He can use anything. Yes, i don't feel like it flowed, it didn't feel natural, at times when i was preparing it felt like i was on my own and there was little support, but i know thats not true, can't trust these darned feelings. But in the end, it doesn't matter. Will learn and move on.
Theres still this joy in God, but theres also this struggle still ongoing, still this fight against evil. If you would like to pray, prayer against that would be good. But i know something is been built up, something is changing, and He'll use this for ultimate good. His plan is perfect.
Its surreal because theres this kind of yo-yoing going on, ping-pong, backwards and forwards, like this battle, something encouraging, a reminder, then something totally destroying, sin, fear, but God is winning, just gotta keep fighting for Him, with Him. I believe this is for something better in the future.
Endurance! Woot. CMON!