The dirt, the foolishness and the learning's.

Ok, so the dream first. I guess, context is good, though most of you know it anyway. And yes, i keep harping on about it, i guess thats the problem. The whole not moving away thing for university.
What happened in the dream -
It was a thursday night...not unlike every other thursday night...me and my dad were ready to go to badminton, my sister n mum were watching tv and something happened, but one second i looked at the clock and it said 7.30, the next, it was like 9.30. So i asked my dad to take me to badminton. But he said no. To which, something REALLY bizzare happened...i started...having like...a two year old kind of kicking and screaming hissy fit. I was literally yelling things at my parents and crying. And they did nothing...they just carried on as normal. But, during the dream, i saw nothing wrong with it, in a way, i kind of rationalised all the stupidness of what i was doing, and i just stomped upstairs. Then i woke up. And i thought..."WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?! why would i do that?!?! How dumb..." And then i realised, this kind of internal voice, which can only have been God...
"This is how you've been acting."
WHHAA...?!
And it hit me. This is, in a round about way, how i acted when i first heard i couldn't move away. I was gutted really, it seems so stupid now, how having that hope&dream of moving away and starting new, kinda ripped away affected me so much. But i kinda kicked and screamed, i fought against what i knew to be true, that God didn't want me to go...and kind of sulked. God wouldn't take me somewhere, because He KNEW it wasn't the right time, and yet i kicked and screamed and cried. In a way, i was upset, but i didn't go to the One who could comfort me. All this time, He's been as normal, He's been carrying on as normal, He is constant, and never changing.
Its not that during that time i didn't seek God, but that this has been something in the way. During those times, God's taught me new things, He's spoken to me, despite me.
But i see. I UNDERSTAND now why i didn't move away. I totally wouldn't have been able to stand against the barrage of attacks satan has ready for all those who go away for uni. Im wasn't, and im still not, strong enough. Going to uni, can make you VERY selfish. It becomes your world in a way, if you let it. Everything kinda revolves around you for the first time because there is no one else to worry about, or consider really...except sometimes, the people you've met, flatmates, coursemates. But, He's building me up, Hes strengthening my resillence to the world and its ways. I also think, that something bad might have happened. Just, i feel that im here - to be protected spiritually and physically. I like it here, under the haven of my Dad's hand.
And...man...am i sorry. For the foolishness, the childishness, the just...URGH. Its one of those...you look at what you've done, and you cringe. I look back on it and im so ashamed that i could be like that towards the only One who has ever really loved me. But, its been dealt with. :) Hallelujah...what would i do without Him...

Some passages that have been teaching me -
- Joel 2:26-32.
- Lamentations 3:21-24
- Psalm 130
- John 12:24-25
- John 12:28

I also read this book called "God whispers"...leant to me by Precius, written by Margaret Feinberg. Something that stood out in this book was...When God speaks - everyone who loves Him...listens.
It seems to be a simple truth. Yet, i understand it...in a different way. Its new.
Its WHEN God speaks...because He will speak. Everyone who loves Him...i would like to think i do, but then...do i listen? Turning those 1 corinthians 13 teachings on love, towards God. Do i love Him?
"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable and it keeps no record of being wronged. (not that God has ever wronged) It does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth wins out (this seems to be to me...when God saves) Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance."
Thank God that whether i love Him or not is irrelvant really, the only thing which is constant, steady, and which matters, is that He loves me. Thank God that even though so often i show Him unlove - He never wavers in His love for me. Thank God that He doesn't hold my wrongs against Him, against me. In this dream situation, i wasn't patient, i was proud, i was rude, i was demanding my own way, i was irritable, and i held that which felt like a wrong, against Him...
However, He didn't give up on me, He didn't lose faith, and He kept my faith going, He didn't let me lose faith, or hope, and His love endured throughout. He loves me, and because of that, i can love too. I can love Him. I can love who He loves.

"And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me

I know I’m broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me"
Mark Schultz - He will carry me.
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I really like this...
"There's nothing else for me...but the infinite resevoir of love and grace flowing from calvary."
What else could we need?! There is nothing else. But, with all this, what else could we POSSIBLY need?!

So yes. Those are a few things which have been taught, heard and learnt recently.